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Days of the Phoenix
Drowning Lessons
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19th-Dec-2009 09:03 pm - sry for oh so long
Part of me fels as if I keep forgetting to update this ok on purpose but I'm not I'm just hella thee up with things I'm doing this from my boyfriends stood sry for the typos
4th-Nov-2009 02:17 pm(no subject)
8th-Oct-2009 12:37 pm - Why Hello There You Sexy Apparatus
Well it's been a while since I have actually post on this journalmI have been using my newer one a lot lately. It feels nice to be able to start over yet be able to go back to where it all began whenever you want. I just wanted to update people on my life through this journal for once.

I will be getting Lovely Lavonte' back some time soon hopefully! I go to court on the 29th of this month. I am pretty excited but super scared also. I honestly can not wait to have my baby boy back with me. It has been a crucial few years for me.

I purchased the new AFI album the day it came out and I think since then I most likely know the words to every song backwards. Yes, I listen to it that much. Guess what I am listening to right now.... AFI? Crash Love? How'd you know?!!!!

My cousin is no longer crashing on my couch, I kinda miss him. I havent talked to him in a few days I don't know where he went although, his stuff is still in my son's future room-- need to do something with it until he and his sister can get there stuff. I'll probably put it in my living room closet!!!

GOD, I have to clean like my whole apartment today!!! Well, I don't neccessarily have to be but I need to its getting kind of cluttered. I guess that is the best word to use. Oh, I bought a new laptop its not the same as my old on. This one is a Dell and its cool but it doesn't have a web cam but I guess I can live without one and I also bought a new Zune!!! Which I take everywhere I go!! I never leave my new babies at home. Its too dangerous there for them lol. But yeah I just thought I would drop in and say hello.

I need to go and check my food... bye bye

I promise to stop by more often
8th-Mar-2009 12:22 am - Thank You, So Long, and Good Night
I really dont know what to say right at the moment so I am just going to write whatever comes out:

As I sit on my shitty couch in my shitty apartment alone because my room mate is off dog sitting I watch old My Chemical Romance interviews that I know I have watched billions of times before and I understand why I love them so much. I already knew why to a certain extent but it is now like the huge light bulb that I have always knew was there within my being and laid dormant for so long has finally gone off.

I now realize that I have so much to live for and Gerard's lyrics along with some of my other favorite musicians have finally helped me figure this out. I know that I will probably be a angst stricken person for the rest of my life but why sit at home in the dark and go poor me all the time. I really do have a lot to give the world and I finally want to start to give what I have to offer and love than sit and wait for love and understanding to come to me.

I understand that my mother may not ever love me the way I want her to or that death really will happen to me (when it is supposed to come) and I am finally okay with this. That in the past all the suicide attempts failed for a reason!

I never thought I would say that. Not in a million year.

I am okay with being the odd one out or the loser with no friends or the outcast.

I dont need other people's approval to be happy with myself.

And all those names or stereotypes or whatever people call them these days don't matter to me anymore.

I maybe black and I may listen to My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy or Rise Against but they make me happy and want to dance and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to dance and sing (even if I cant) and be happy for once in my life!

I know that I will never be fully 'cured' of my depression or bipolar or Hepatitis C and I may have to stay medicated my entire life but I am no long ashamed to be who I really am. I will be strong and I will carry on.

And as I cry writing this I know that these are no longer tears of sorrow but tears of hope and the happiness I know I deserve.

I have finally grow up and I will be starting a new journal as soon as I finish this entry.

Although this will not be the last in this journal...

I know it is not the last in this journal it is the beginning...

The beginning of my life

Thank you to all those who have helped me through hard times and let me cry on their shoulder and all those friends that stood by me. Thanks for being there!

But who I really should thank are the musicians like MCR that finally slapped me across the face and showed me there is a way out.

6th-Mar-2009 07:44 pm(no subject)
wow let me tell you about my day.... in a few hours
I am so tired but like at the same time I am not
I think that in a past life I was a vampire
It would be so fucking cool if I really was a vampire though
Oh my Im rambling
But I just feel the need to write
I just really dont know
So I was able to talk things out with Tony last night and everything
I guess we are on good terms now
Which is fine with me you know
I honestly am getting kind of restless I think next weekend
Im just gonna stay home or something because although I love my friends
and spending time with them I think I need to spend next weekend in my own bed at my own place plus I hate the way the showers are here
I dont know how the people here do it.
Its awkward
Plus I miss playing my music like I want and everything
and there is like mucho drama here and everything and my drama
tolerance is running kinda low
I dont know how much more of this shit I can take before
I just drop everyone altogether
I mean not everyone but I really dont want to be associated with
people that are in the inner circle of the drama that goes on here
This is college I just dont understand why people cant see that
We are no longer in high school children!
Grow up!
But whatever it felt really good to write that
Now I dont have a million thoughts running through my head at 150 miles per hours

22nd-Feb-2009 03:16 am - Letter to An Ex- Lover
why wont you listen to me
i didnt mean to hurt you
not in the way i did
i still like you
(i promise)
i want us to be together
but is that just wishful thinking?
i hope its not because i still like you

even broken up when you walk into the room
my breath gets caught in my throat
why wont you listen to me?
why why why
i want- no i need an answer
please give me a answer

im dying inside from the silence
and tension between us
kiddo youre beautiful
did you ever think i was
do you still
if you ever did
i need to know
tell me something anything

i hate how you talk about me like im not there
and when you do talk to me it seems forced
i hate it okay
please stop punishing me for believing what they told me
i was stupid i know
please dont remind me...
15th-Feb-2009 08:39 pm - what a night
So last night I made a complete fool of myself I guess from what I was told and from what I remember. I mean like there really isnt much that I do remember besides saying rather stupid things that I really not repeat because it is all too embarrassing to say or whatevr. But yeah, I know that I had a lot of fun though. Last night here at the dorms and then tomorrow after school I will be going back to my natural habitat. Im kind of excited, I would really love to sleep in my own bed.
14th-Feb-2009 07:44 pm(no subject)
tonight is the big night everyone!!!! party in a few hours
11th-Feb-2009 04:10 pm - god seriously
god can things get any worse for me? I come to school today with hopes of seeing my boyfriend because I havent seen him since last week since he doesnt go to ysu with me so like i get here and tony is here and im like sweet but then like he barely is talking to me so i have to start a convo with him in order for us to talk and then like there is this kara or kaley girl and she is like all over him and he doesn't even push her away knowing that i and like sitting in the same area with them and then the girl was talking about me and my friend catherine and catherine confronts her and of course she lies and said she wasnt talking about us but im like whatever! so then like i find out that tony probably had sex with another girl that i hang out with i dont know if i should confront him about it or not. i just cant wait until this weekend there is frat party and then I am going to stay with catherine for the rest of the weekend or whatever. but yea
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