Days of the Phoenix

I really dont know what to say right at the moment so I am just going to write whatever comes out:

As I sit on my shitty couch in my shitty apartment alone because my room mate is off dog sitting I watch old My Chemical Romance interviews that I know I have watched billions of times before and I understand why I love them so much. I already knew why to a certain extent but it is now like the huge light bulb that I have always knew was there within my being and laid dormant for so long has finally gone off.

I now realize that I have so much to live for and Gerard's lyrics along with some of my other favorite musicians have finally helped me figure this out. I know that I will probably be a angst stricken person for the rest of my life but why sit at home in the dark and go poor me all the time. I really do have a lot to give the world and I finally want to start to give what I have to offer and love than sit and wait for love and understanding to come to me.

I understand that my mother may not ever love me the way I want her to or that death really will happen to me (when it is supposed to come) and I am finally okay with this. That in the past all the suicide attempts failed for a reason!

I never thought I would say that. Not in a million year.

I am okay with being the odd one out or the loser with no friends or the outcast.

I dont need other people's approval to be happy with myself.

And all those names or stereotypes or whatever people call them these days don't matter to me anymore.

I maybe black and I may listen to My Chemical Romance or Fall Out Boy or Rise Against but they make me happy and want to dance and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to dance and sing (even if I cant) and be happy for once in my life!

I know that I will never be fully 'cured' of my depression or bipolar or Hepatitis C and I may have to stay medicated my entire life but I am no long ashamed to be who I really am. I will be strong and I will carry on.

And as I cry writing this I know that these are no longer tears of sorrow but tears of hope and the happiness I know I deserve.

I have finally grow up and I will be starting a new journal as soon as I finish this entry.

Although this will not be the last in this journal...

I know it is not the last in this journal it is the beginning...

The beginning of my life

Thank you to all those who have helped me through hard times and let me cry on their shoulder and all those friends that stood by me. Thanks for being there!

But who I really should thank are the musicians like MCR that finally slapped me across the face and showed me there is a way out.

YOU'VE SAVED ME

wow let me tell you about my day.... in a few hours

I am so tired but like at the same time I am not
I think that in a past life I was a vampire
It would be so fucking cool if I really was a vampire though
Oh my Im rambling
But I just feel the need to write
I just really dont know
So I was able to talk things out with Tony last night and everything
I guess we are on good terms now
Which is fine with me you know
I honestly am getting kind of restless I think next weekend
Im just gonna stay home or something because although I love my friends
and spending time with them I think I need to spend next weekend in my own bed at my own place plus I hate the way the showers are here
I dont know how the people here do it.
Its awkward
Plus I miss playing my music like I want and everything
and there is like mucho drama here and everything and my drama
tolerance is running kinda low
I dont know how much more of this shit I can take before
I just drop everyone altogether
I mean not everyone but I really dont want to be associated with
people that are in the inner circle of the drama that goes on here
This is college I just dont understand why people cant see that
We are no longer in high school children!
Grow up!
But whatever it felt really good to write that
Now I dont have a million thoughts running through my head at 150 miles per hours

YESSS

why wont you listen to me
i didnt mean to hurt you
not in the way i did
i still like you
(i promise)
i want us to be together
but is that just wishful thinking?
i hope its not because i still like you

even broken up when you walk into the room
my breath gets caught in my throat
why wont you listen to me?
why why why
i want- no i need an answer
please give me a answer

im dying inside from the silence
and tension between us
kiddo youre beautiful
did you ever think i was
do you still
if you ever did
i need to know
tell me something anything

i hate how you talk about me like im not there
and when you do talk to me it seems forced
i hate it okay
please stop punishing me for believing what they told me
i was stupid i know
please dont remind me...

So last night I made a complete fool of myself I guess from what I was told and from what I remember. I mean like there really isnt much that I do remember besides saying rather stupid things that I really not repeat because it is all too embarrassing to say or whatevr. But yeah, I know that I had a lot of fun though. Last night here at the dorms and then tomorrow after school I will be going back to my natural habitat. Im kind of excited, I would really love to sleep in my own bed.

tonight is the big night everyone!!!! party in a few hours

god can things get any worse for me? I come to school today with hopes of seeing my boyfriend because I havent seen him since last week since he doesnt go to ysu with me so like i get here and tony is here and im like sweet but then like he barely is talking to me so i have to start a convo with him in order for us to talk and then like there is this kara or kaley girl and she is like all over him and he doesn't even push her away knowing that i and like sitting in the same area with them and then the girl was talking about me and my friend catherine and catherine confronts her and of course she lies and said she wasnt talking about us but im like whatever! so then like i find out that tony probably had sex with another girl that i hang out with i dont know if i should confront him about it or not. i just cant wait until this weekend there is frat party and then I am going to stay with catherine for the rest of the weekend or whatever. but yea

Oh my god! My room mate is pissy me off so fucking bad like she keeps inviting these random boys that she meets on myspace or whatever to come and stay here for weeks at a time! Like im not comfortable with people I don't know living with my. It pisses me off that she is willing to put my fucking life in danger and her own for some dick! Why does she have to seem so desperate? I mean cant she just go out like other people and find people that live around her? Like this dude named Mike that she met like on Myspace or whatever she wants him to come stay here with us for a few weeks what the fuck! First off she just met this guy so what if you have talked to himm on the phone for hours on end that doesn't mean you know someone. I thought for some one her age she would know better! Come you are 18 years old grow th fuck up. I love her I really do but she is soo naive sometimes. People can talk her into anything. What the fuck she might think I'm a bitch for the moment but you know what I dont really fucking care anymore. Just because she doesnt live with her mom anymore doesnt not mean that Im going to let her do anything she wants either. I am in the middle of a custody battle and I dont want random people that could be dangerous living with me. NO FUCKING WAY!!!


SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I HANDLED THIS THE RIGHT WAY. PLZ

FUCK MY LIFE SO FUCKING HARD! IM GONNA BE LATE TO MY CLASS BECAUSE ASSHOLE FRIEND TOLD ME SCHOOL WAS CANCELLED BUT I CALLED AN ITS NOT!!!!!!!!! FUCK HIM!!! AND MY COMPUTER IS BEING FUCKING RETARD AND DUMB NOW I HAVE TO GET IT FIX AND I CANT GET MY FUCKING YOUTUBE TO WORK SO I CANT ROCK OUT WITH JADE FUCKING PUGET OH GOD I SWEAR HAS IT OUT FOR ME SOMETIMES!!!! WHY ME? WHY ME? I SERIOUSLY WANT A CIGARETTE WHICH I CANT HAVE AND MAYBE A JUNIOR BACON CHEESE BURGER FROM WENDY'S WHICH I ALSO CANT HAVE OH BECAUSE I STOPPED EATING MEAT AND QUIT SMOKING! IM READY TO PULL MY HAIR OUT!

TOODLES

I am like super irritated right at the moment. I was cleaning and like my room mate left a huge ass cup of water on the the counter that was just asking to be knocked over. So that's what happened I knocked the cup of water over and then now the floor is all fucking wet well we dried it the best we could but its still oh my socks are damp wet. God I just want this day to be over! It has been either super boring or something has gone wrong. I need to go grocery shopping but I cant get in touch with my mom and plus I'm pretty much snowed in my apartment. Stephanie's boyfriend is coming over he is cool and everything but I dont know I have yet to have any company since we moved in. Everyone is too busy for me whatever!

And I dont know what I'm going to tell DeAndre, I mean he likes me and the attraction just isn't there. I dont want to lose him as a friend and yet I dont want to hurt his feelings either. So I dont know what to say to him. God this sucks! And the huge bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup isnt comforting me like i thought it would.

We all ran through the crowded streets
Kicking and Screaming
Swinging fists of fury
Smiling on stage of all places we see our
Dreams beginning to come true

Clap clap clap (oh yes) let's do what we do best
Do what we do best
Sing songs of heartbreak , crying for the
Love our parents, siblings, uncles, and aunts

Okay let's just give in to the feeling we know
We are feeling inside of ourselves
48 hour concert ticket lines
We drink and sing our favorite
songs and piss on the side of the buildings

Clap clap clap (oh yes) let's do what we do best
Do what we do best
Sing songs of heartbreak , crying for the
Love our parents, siblings, uncles, and aunts

Instead we will find love
In the rock bands we follow
Arounf on tour
We children of rock and roll
Know hey will never let us down
Telling us were too fat, ugly, or not good enough

We know it doesn't work like that
Because we are children of rock
And have an undying love for guitar riffs, drum solos, screams we live for
We don't die, we live on forever
Like those before us

Clap clap clap (oh yes) let's do what we do best
Do what we do best
Sing songs of heartbreak , crying for the
Love our parents, siblings, uncles, and aunts
Never gave us
All lost to the wind as we
Ran through the crowded streets
Kicking and screaming
KICKING AND SCREAMING

okay i like need some ideas i want to start writing again but i keep coming up short on topics. help!!

i got my own place i just havent moved in yet i will probably move in around the first of november im so excited and my best buddy ashley is moving in with me im so excited

im exhausted and i have the worst cold i want to go home and sleep this things off but i have one more class i have to go to and then i have to go to work let this day end please!!

dude so okay I dont know what just happened one minute im getting ready to buy my cigs and the next im not allowed and if i do i will be charged for disobeying john becuase he is also and officer what just happebed?

Your Taste in Music:

Nineties: Highest Influence Eighties: Highest Influence Classic Rock: High Influence Punk: High Influence Adult Alternative: Medium Influence

it seems like forever since ive been on here i got so much going on right now. like today is my first day of school and i like i already made a bad impression i was ten minutes late to my first class i think ima drop it. im not too sure about it but ill give it a chance. im bored and i dont have this amazing feeling like "WOW IM A YSU COLLEGE STUDENT!" it hasnt sunk in yet i guess.

work is like kinda killing me right at the moment. it is super stressful and i statrt school soon im like super exhausted.